Austin turns ONE!

The love of our lives...

It is what it is....

So, I've been asked to update my blog. Ugh. I've avoided it the last few months because I've been unable to put into words what's been going on. In short, I lost my job of 16 years that I loved and basically kept us afloat these last few years....and we lost sweet Brandon. He left us on October 5th to go live with his father. The devastation that was left after both situations is unmeasurable. I've never cried so much. I've cried for that sweet baby, I've cried for his biological mom, I've cried for my family...and I've cried for me. That the dream I've had for my family is not coming true. I find myself searching for answers...for reason...for relief. I pray that Brandon will be safe, loved and appreciated. My life is forever changed. I've never loved anything or anybody as much as I loved that sweet blue eyed child. Ahhh...those eyes. Always questioning, always "asking"...longing for somebody to "save" him. I can only hope and pray that when you close your eyes at night that you feel my arms around you and can hear me whispering "the sunshine song" in your ears...as I have every single night for 8 months.

With all of that said...we do have better news. We are going to be able to adopt sweet baby Austin. Thank God things worked out for him and for us. It should be final in December, and until then, we'll be doing what we have to...to prove to the court that we do have a plan for "rebuilding" our life and that we do whatever we have to...to provide the kind of life that child deserves.

I'll post some of my favorite pics of the boys....enjoy.

Tamara

Latest

We're are heading into our last two weeks before our 90 period is up with the boys. We should be finding out in the next few weeks what their (and our) futures hold. Will they go to a family member or stay with us??? It's now up to the judge. I'm just lucky to have had this experience. To be able to mother these two boys has been a gift from God. At 43 I finally became a mom. Who knew that it would be the one thing that changed my life forever. They have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to be loved with no strings attached. Countless relationships and a 5 year marriage weren't even able to teach me that. They are so sweet and the three year-old has quickly become my best buddy (and I his). Praying that all goes well with the new few weeks and I get to keep them under my wings a bit longer. I love you my little monkeys!

The nightmare begins....

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, we've all been sick...and I mean REALLY sick the last few weeks. We're finally back on the mend and ready for warm weather!!!

I received a call yesterday from (a WAY too cheerful) DFCS worker yesterday that she needed to go get Brandon from daycare because his biological father has finally been located and they need to do a DNA test. When I asked if the father was interested in Brandon, she (again too cheerfully) says "Oh yes, he's definately going for full custody". So, I got off the phone and cried like a little girl...for an hour. The idea of handing that sweet, precious and loving child over to a complete stranger is unimaginable...absolutely unimaginable. I've prepared myself for the mom to (at some point), pull a rabbit out of the hat and get her crap together...but not for a "mystery" dad to show up at the last minute and lay claim. I just don't get it. He's never even laid eyes on him.

So, the two of us spent the evening on the floor building things. His favorite thing. I made him pork chops and green beans (his favorite), and I've never in my life given so many hugs and kisses. He's clueless as to what's going on. I can only pray that the "dad" loses interest and disappears a quickly as he appeared. From what I gather, he was not a real nice guy and I can only hope there is a record, or something equally stinky in his past.

Not a lot of sleep went on last night...needless to say. It's now a waiting game. Waiting on the DNA results, waiting on a court date....waiting to find out if I get to still be his mommy.

*sigh*

Dinosaurs and more fun things...

Okay, so I ventured out with Brandon to go to Fernbank Science Center. He's so stinking cute! So, after a 20 min. pouting fest in the car because I dared to wake him...I really am starting to think I did give birth to this child. His personality is scarily similar to mine. Just ask my family. :) We walk in, and the first thing you see are the life-size dinosaurs in the atrium. He stopped dead in his tracks and says..."Holy Moly, there's dinosaurs". "Did you know they'd be dinosaurs?"..."I didn't". Love him.

Baby crap...and not the kind you're thinking.

Okay, so I ran out of formula. All of a sudden, there was an urgency in me that can only be compared to a shoe sale at Bloomies in my former life. So, I decided to "stop" into Target and pick up a "few" things. $289.00 later, and I have a bunch of baby crap. There's this new foam booster seat thing. FABULOUS! I take a shower, the baby's in it...safe and sound. Then, there is the food! Oh, it's not just formula my no-kid friends...there's rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, fruit in a handy plastic container and the combo veggies and meats. I actually bought chicken with pear. Sounded interesting..I'm pretty sure I'll be wearing it at some point in the near future. OH..and note to self: green peas and carrots make bright purple poop. Good to know. Wasn't sure if I should call the doctor, or take a picture. SOMEBODY needed to see that, that's all I'm sayin'. So, I meander over to the clothing section. OMG! The cutest things ever! So, there's washcloths, burp cloths, swaddle cloths (huh?), and a bear that "supposedly" makes "womb" sounds. That one's kinda creepy to be honest. Needless to say, countless little itty bitty outfits later, I'm frantically washing them all in "baby detergent" (seriously?) and can't wait to try everything on them. Because, apparently, all those years of Barbie play DID come in handy.

Night Night Termites...(which is Brandon's favorite saying).

Mommeeeee!

I went to pick up the boys at daycare after work today and when I walked in, Brandon, from across the room, throws down his toy and says "Mommmeeee" as he runs into my arms. Literally, like something out of a Lifetime (or at the very least Meg Ryan) movie. Of course, I got all choked up and grabbed him up and swung him back and forth all the while kissing his little sweaty head. Made my whole day. He proceeds to grab his backpack and coat and tell me we have to go get "Bubba" and go "HOME". I didn't mention anything about it, because I'm not sure that using Momma and Daddy names are the best, but they say just let them call you what they want to. So, I let it go. I tucked it away in the deepest corner of heart and knew in that instant that "no matter what"...he became my son today.

Of course, as soon as Chip showed up, I ceased to exist..but that's okay. There's always tomorrow!!!

Austin

So, let me tell ya about my best friend. Austin aka "My Monkey". Truly is a gift from the heavens. We met on Friday, February 4th. I fell in love instantly. He's definately "this" Mama's boy. He came to me very underweight, teething and with an inability to sleep more than an hour at a time. I spent pretty much every night on the sofa with him on my chest. He's hungry all the time, and I'm determined to get some weight on him before his next doctor's appt. He's all smiles and giggles and wakes up every morning with sparkling eyes. I swear that boy was put on this earth to make me wake up and become a grown up. I've never been so exhausted...the constant diapers, feedings, baths, pacifier pickups and rocking until we both are crying have taken their toll...but I wouldn't trade it for a single instant. I'm in love with this baby. Both of them actually. I can only pray that their mom does the right thing. I'll leave it up to someone bigger than me to decide what "the right thing" is. He truly is a gift and I'm treasuring every single precious second of it.

Brandon

He's been through a lot in his three little years. I'm still surprised at how well adjusted he seems to be...and aside from typical 3 year old behavior (oh my, the tantrums and the pouting), he's a sweetheart. He's in love with Chip and they have become big buddies. I'm the heavy (aren't most moms), and insist that he not kill himself with sharp objects. I struggle with correcting him...knowing what he's most likely had to endure in his life. I still have to keep him safe and healthy...and a joy to be around. Trust me, he has his moments, but 5 seconds later, he's my little lovebug.

We have a permanency hearing on his status on 2/25. I have to attend and give my two cents as to his behavior, residual issues stemming from the abuse and neglect. That sweet baby! I'll be there with my notes and my "don't mess with my bear cub" attitude. We love him....doesn't seem like anybody else does. URGGG.

Yeah for daycare!!!!

Okay, so first I have to say that I have so much respect for stay at home moms! Wow. I always thought that I'd love to stay home for awhile and raise my children. Um...no. Of course, I have to remind myself that my situation is a little different as I'm trying to mother two children that I have had no hand in nurturing with the exception of the last week and a half. I start my new job with Oracle today, and the only options I have are an in-home nanny and daycare. I went by the daycare and LOVED it. It's literally 2 mins. from the house and the ladies there are so lovely and energetic. I'm so happy for Brandon that he'll have some little friends to play with. So, I dropped them both off at 8:30 and I get to pick them up at 5:30! yipee! I've never been so happy to work in my life.

The boys are both here!

As many of you know...Chip and I started our journey to parenthood the middle of last year. We chose foster care/adoption because it just "fit" our family. My husband and I are both the first ones to pick up a hurt or sick animal or befriend the most needy stranger. After years of researching other options, foster parenting just kept popping up. So, after taking weeks of classes, and stacks and stacks of approvals and background searches we were finally approved January 29th. It was very hard to plan for anything, because we didn't have any idea of the ages, gender or personality of the child that would be chosen for us. Much to our surprise, we rec'd a call just two weeks later that they had two little boys (brothers) that were in urgent need of a home while the parents continued to work their plan. The odds were in our favor, so we agreed to take them into our home. Boy, were we lucky! They are the most beautiful, sweet, loving and agreeable children. Brandon is an "all boy" 3 year old and Austin is just 5 months old and a smiley little monkey. We love them so much already. We are prepared for the worst (they return to their mom) and for the best (we're able to formally adopt them). We are only two weeks in and I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and the inability to accomplish anything other than keeping the fed, dry and warm. A task all in itself. I wouldn't change a single thing. Wish us luck!